Sick And Tired

Maybe there's only one reason I'm blocked. My inability to free my conscience of all the dark secrets I carry around with me everywhere I go. For the life of me, why isn't there even one soul I can share these with. Just to let it out and vent. Just to say it out loud and not repeat it in my head over and over because truth be told, it is driving me crazy.
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Transparent

12:49am and I'm still awake. Thinking. Of all the things I became a part of and all the heartbreak and razor-sharp scrutiny I still walk through every passing day. And looking back, I can proudly say there's no other 25 year old who has faced so much in life with so much strength, perseverance and grace that I have shown in those trying times. There were nights when I'd awake with so much pain in my heart which, made me wonder how it was biologically possible for me to still be alive. To hurt in places I didn't even know existed inside me. And amid it all, I realise that I never, not even once, asked God to grand me death.

I cried when I needed to but surprisingly most times I found a smile on my face. I know not how but whenever those moments shone on me, I embraced them. And bit by bit, my smiles became real and came often without even trying. In my journey, I'm still a student of life and it's teaching me that everything happens for a reason. Every little thing that occurs is simply a part of something bigger than what it seems and regardless of how hurtful your situation is, if you peel off a few layers off of it, you may find that it is in fact, simply a blessing in disguise. Truth may be an absolute stranger but I have also learned not to fight one too many battles with time for all answers shall be unveiled when the time is right and all I did and still do is pray to God that he grants me patience.

I have also learned that you can't go through life with hang-ups. Deal with every problem armed with patience and if nothing seems to go your way, just leave it to God. The losses and the void you feel in your soul when you think of what could have been are simply signs that you are human. A human of blood and flesh and why would you even expect yourself to be immune to normal feelings? When sleep evades your nights endlessly and all you can do is think that God is not listening, how can you not look around you and count all of the little blessings?

I have learned the true meaning of what it is to selflessly love...to give yourself whole-heartedly into someone. It is an ugly cruise with no still waters and as much as every step is excruciating and blood is spilled, it is worth every drop. I learned the hard way never to let a problem to be solved be more important that a person to be loved. I know, I'm not this person, at least I wasn't. But having grown up and having dealt with tons of destructions, I am content with whatever little God has given me and as for what He took from me, I cannot fight Him. I may not understand it all yet, but I know when He wants me to have answers, He will let me know.

For everything that I had to pass through in the past academic year, I have no regrets. I have no hang-ups. Everything worked out the way it was meant to be. All my trials made me stronger than ever. My little sister is graduating, I'm so proud of her. As for me, I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be and I'm ready to rock this academic year. I am grateful to have such amazing people in my life, my mom, my grandma, my sis, my dad. And of course, Khotso.

This is gonna be FUN!!! :) :)

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How to turn his T into a Dress

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TRUE COLOURS

You can not live your life in fear of what could be. That will spin you off in a circle and before the end of it all, you're back where you started. Life is a series of surprises which are the reason we keep pushing forward, eager to at least possess a certain degree of control over our destinies and it can not always end up the way you want it to. If it did, where would be the fun in that?

True, some situations trap you in a magnetic field of self-doubt, and if while going through the pages of history you realise no one ever made it out alive, you may feel there is indeed no way out. But there always is. Only if you get out of your very own mental prison and explore that which no one ever tried. That which they all feared. You could find your answers in that forbidden trip of change. Finding success in life is achieved through facing your deepest fears.

If somebody tells you that you will fail,
you WILL fail if you believe them. It is not everyone in your life that wishes you the very best. Some of them just say you will fail because it scares them that you will succeed and best them. They see you as competition and they can not stomach the idea of you ever being more than they are. In the end it all melts down to one thing: Agenda.

Some of the very close people to you have been wishing for you to never make it. The very person whose shoulder you cry on could be patting your back with a smile. They might even have had a hand in the events that led to your misfortune, who knows? Whenever something goes right in your life, whoever is there, genuinely there will walk through it with you. They will not just utter the words "I'm happy for you" and never show their face again.

Those who do that can not stand to see you happy but once you hit rock bottom, they will be there all the time. Why? Because nothing gives them greater pleasure than seeing you at your lowest. People aren't always who they say they are. Friends could be enemies. Even family. Especially Family. Just be careful who you open up to. They could use it against you for their own gain. Just remember not to let anyone ever stand between you and your dreams/happiness.

Take Care

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To Kris: Valentine's Day Special

I remember clearly. It was a thursday afternoon and I was at Pioneer Mall, Ster Kinekor. With *Paris and *Lisa. Rock of Ages was just what we needed. A musical for grown ups and Mary J's voice is always on point. I was I little behind when we left and outside, that's when I saw Lisa with him.

She was all blushes and for the life of me, I couldn't understand why she was feeling a 17yr old. Well, in my defense, he looked like a teenager. So I let her be and went to find Paris. We all wanted to have fun later but we had no friends who had cars. And when Lisa caught up with us, what do you know! The kid she was talking to had a car! And was willing to take us all out. Oh well, we just wanted to party. When he came to meet us, with his friends, he was smelling real good. And I innocently asked for a hug.

Long story short, things went awkward when the kid, let's call him Kris, started hitting on me and completely ignored Lisa. Made me uncomfortable because even though she was Paris' friend and not mine, I wasn't immune to the pain she was feeling while she watched us. And for some reason, I got really jealous when they disappeared for about an hour. But then I brushed it aside.

Meloling, Litaleng and Times where we spent most of the night. Then back to Roma. I busied myself with my Blackberry all night for unlike Lisa and Paris, I had no hook up. The available guys just didn't cut it for me. Solo was the only option. And the toxic relationship I was in was taking its toll on me. I ended up taking his number at the end of the night. Blame Paris for that. And I called him the following day.

And that night I was with him. And he started calling me everyday, all day. It was good for me because it helped me forget the other guy and Kris was taking me to fancy places and beautiful landscapes and all that and even though we were both not looking for a relationship, what we felt was beyond us. A week after we met, he asked me out. I was scared to accept but he made a good case so he won. Then a day later, we had tattoos. I know what you thinking. But they were different and not chained. Ha!

Then we travelled around the country for that's what his work requires of him. I loved his confidence and charisma and how he wasn't ever afraid to let me shine. He accepted me for who I was and only changed me for the better. Then my father knew about us. Hell broke loose but I knew there was nothing he could say that would change my mind. So we went on. And the first time that I broke his heart, I felt every ounce of pain he felt and that was the worst week ever. He ended things and my mom was able to get him to talk to me about it, and we made it through.

Then one of his colleagues just couldn't accept that Kris was into me because I'd broken one of his friend's heart. Well it wasn't my fault that his friend knew nothing about women. And that he had his own issues I didn't wanna get involved in. In short, he was a total disappointment in all aspects. Too bad he was into me. I know. I sound like a snob. But that's how it went down. This colleague and his friend did and said everything they could to get Kris to leave me. But he never did. He stayed with me. Until they gave up. After months and months of scheming.

Now when we fight, it's never about the 3rd person. And we always find a way to make up before we sleep. He works hard, he's intelligent and caring...I could go all night. Kris is my soulmate. And the only way he's changed is that now he loves me more than he did when it all began. And I love him just as much. Wedding bells anyone? Hahaha! Who knows!

And tomorrow's Valentine's Day. Kris, I love you. And thank you for the role you've played in my life and the life of someone very close to me. Thank you for putting up with me and my complex personalities. Happy Valentine's Day.

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The Vicious Cycle

Love. How much more does one have to be subjected to stories of love? When will love ever have guarantees? A promise that it will never fade no matter what. Just something for hopeless romantics to hold onto through the tests life constantly keeps throwing our way. So that everyone will, for the first time since the inception of time, be proud to be a victim of love. To smile whenever they are called fools for love.

Sometimes things take off on a high note. And at that level, you can't help but feel like a champion gladiator, fearless in the Great Arena. There is nothing you feel you can not conquer. Anybody who comes by with words of wisdom is a nothing but a creature green with envy. Yes, life is that good.

The world is at your feet. You are self-conceited with power of unimaginable nature and nothing could ever knock you off your high horse. Closer to the sun you soar and the fact that your wings are waxen, is just a distant memory. The warmth in your heart becomes an unbearable amount of heat. Of course, you're familiar with the phrase "If You Can't Take The Heat, Get Out Of The Kitchen". But then it's too late and you waned already. Diminished into a rubble of dirt only worthy of pity.

Pieces of you are scattered unevenly across the globe and every step in the journey of piling them together is a pain so excruciating that it wouldn't shock you if the process were to take a complete lifetime. And you continue to wane, still. You go to sleep at night with a heavy heart. Praying incessantly that in the morning, it will all be over. Only to have your entire night filled with nightmares of your agony. And when you wake, you take a deep breath, thank the Lord that it was all a dream....

And that's when it hits you again. Like a thousand bolts of lightning...you realise, it's not a dream. And it begins again. Day after day. Night after night. Until death, seems the only beauty on earth. The only sweet escape...
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My Fav TV Shows

Entertainment. Yap! I thought we could use a break from all the serious stuff. After all, it's Xmas break and nobody wants to talk about school or work. I know I don't. So, this is from my perspective...but I'm pretty good at this so...you should definitely be on the lookout for:

-The Vampire Diaries
Of course, the show is on its 5th season. That should say much. It's awesome. And you got a lot of eyecandy in there. Vampires are hott. And that said, what are you waiting for?

-Devious Maids
These maids will rock you. Trust me, these Latinas will take you through their daily journeys of cleaning and looking after rich people's homes in Beverly Hills while they hide their own personal agendas. The fights between them and their daily bosses will keep you entertained. You need to watch this. Can't wait for the 2nd Season!

-Dracula
I know vampires are everywhere but this is about to take the whole vamp-thing to the next level. It's basically Alexandre Dumas' The Count Of Monte Cristo. Except the count here is a vampire. And it's epic. I love those settings that just take you back in time.

-Reign
Still on the epic tip, this is a story about Mary, the 15yo queen of Scotland. The English want her crown and country. To protect it, she must go to France and wed its next king. But there are a lot of obstacles along the way, including the fact that the queen of France will do anything to make sure the union doesn't come to pass. And the 9th episode is oh-so-heartwrenching.

-House Of Lies
On a business tip, Marty Kahn and his team of consultants will keep you coming back for more. This is one of the best shows ever. Trust me. It is funny, sexy, electrifying. This is a must-have.

-The Originals
It's a spin-off of The Vampire Diaries and no one wants to miss the story of The Originals. The impulsive Klaus and his brother Elijah and his sister Rebekah. The Mikhaelsons are not to be missed. And in my opinion, this show may be a spin-off but it's better that The Vampire Diaries.

-Witches Of East End
Everyone loves a bit of magic. And the storyline is quite intriguing. Don't trust anyone.

-DaVinci's Demons
We've all heard about the mad-genius that's is Leornado. He painted the Mona Lisa. He invented a lot of things and his story is nothing short of intrigue.

-Gossip Girl
Of course the show ended but it was one helluva ride. Set in Manhattan and circles around Serena and Blair, get ready to witness the hardships of friendship.

-Downton Abbey
What can I say? I'm a suCker for epics. And the drama in this one is EPIC! Set in the early 20th century, you are going to luuuuurv the british accent among many things.

Let the summa. Officially begin! YAY!
:( cus I'm only beginning my exams tomorrow.

Oh and if you want to know how you can get all these, contact me on (liyahdubraxy@gmail.com)
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