12:49am and I'm still awake. Thinking. Of all the things I became a part of and all the heartbreak and razor-sharp scrutiny I still walk through every passing day. And looking back, I can proudly say there's no other 25 year old who has faced so much in life with so much strength, perseverance and grace that I have shown in those trying times. There were nights when I'd awake with so much pain in my heart which, made me wonder how it was biologically possible for me to still be alive. To hurt in places I didn't even know existed inside me. And amid it all, I realise that I never, not even once, asked God to grand me death.
I cried when I needed to but surprisingly most times I found a smile on my face. I know not how but whenever those moments shone on me, I embraced them. And bit by bit, my smiles became real and came often without even trying. In my journey, I'm still a student of life and it's teaching me that everything happens for a reason. Every little thing that occurs is simply a part of something bigger than what it seems and regardless of how hurtful your situation is, if you peel off a few layers off of it, you may find that it is in fact, simply a blessing in disguise. Truth may be an absolute stranger but I have also learned not to fight one too many battles with time for all answers shall be unveiled when the time is right and all I did and still do is pray to God that he grants me patience.
I have also learned that you can't go through life with hang-ups. Deal with every problem armed with patience and if nothing seems to go your way, just leave it to God. The losses and the void you feel in your soul when you think of what could have been are simply signs that you are human. A human of blood and flesh and why would you even expect yourself to be immune to normal feelings? When sleep evades your nights endlessly and all you can do is think that God is not listening, how can you not look around you and count all of the little blessings?
I have learned the true meaning of what it is to selflessly love...to give yourself whole-heartedly into someone. It is an ugly cruise with no still waters and as much as every step is excruciating and blood is spilled, it is worth every drop. I learned the hard way never to let a problem to be solved be more important that a person to be loved. I know, I'm not this person, at least I wasn't. But having grown up and having dealt with tons of destructions, I am content with whatever little God has given me and as for what He took from me, I cannot fight Him. I may not understand it all yet, but I know when He wants me to have answers, He will let me know.
For everything that I had to pass through in the past academic year, I have no regrets. I have no hang-ups. Everything worked out the way it was meant to be. All my trials made me stronger than ever. My little sister is graduating, I'm so proud of her. As for me, I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be and I'm ready to rock this academic year. I am grateful to have such amazing people in my life, my mom, my grandma, my sis, my dad. And of course, Khotso.
This is gonna be FUN!!! :) :)
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